Work on self is utterly dependent on observation of self, not just the big events of anger and fear but also the small flutterings of sensation that lie beneath my actions, words, thoughts and gestures. Ambitious people on the spiritual path overlook this fact. They are so busy trying to do the ‘work’ that they do not know they are not reliable enough to have a connection to it.
I must become reliable. What does this mean? I must see exactly what is going on in me and be able to shift it, even the most minute reactions, in real time. Failing this, I must be able to account for all my uneasiness…the residual disturbances of sensation…after the fact of making them, and correct them. Cleaning up the mess in aisle 6 as it were.
This knowing of self in not analytical. It is perceiving in real time. The why of it is an indulgence, a backward look. What is wanted is the ability to dance among my own phenomena, using them or dismissing them as they arise.
Attention, attention attention. I have no other genuine tool for transforming me.
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September 11, 2022
Tags: attention, observation, reliable, sensation, work on self
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January 23, 2022
Let me give you an example. Through the day, as I face events in my daily life, I remember things I have done and said in the past that are related to the present. I cringe at the memory of them. Secretly, I have interpreted my reaction as one of guilt for having done the wrong thing. But as I have observed my reaction carefully, objectively, I observe that guilt is a mischaracterization of my reaction and that is why forgiveness of self by myself or by others has had no effect.
Following the sensations of my reactions objectively, I observe that the sensations are really an expression of my dislike of making mistakes or imperfect gestures. In fact, my reactions are reactions of ego. As my attention penetrates my reactions without the false interpretation of guilt, I become more free of them and I observe that I am less affected by people and events that challenge my competence. I laugh at my foibles more easily and feel less pressure to perform perfectly. This change arises from observation, not effort or analysis.Tags: imperfect gestures, observation, sensations, work on self
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September 17, 2021
It is easy to think and talk about work on self but very difficult to do it consistently. The secret is to use the difficulties of doing work to work more often.
Do you know how to observe yourself? At first you will observe yourself with judgment or justification. This is good, this is bad, this is why. These reactions block further observation of self.
Perhaps you try to stop judgment or justification. Does this help you to observe more? No? So, alternatively, observe the judgment and justification. Do not allow the judge/justifier to become the observer; make them the observed. They are primarily body sensations, are they not?, followed by strings or loops of thought which trigger more sensations.
Sensations do not need commentary. They exist in the nervous system and can be sensed there. Accept the sensations and track them. As the thought loops arise, taking you towards discursive thinking, take refuge in the sensations. Don’t leave sensing for thinking. This is something you can learn to do. It’s simply a re-placement of attention.Tags: attention, observation, practical work on self, work
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October 15, 2019
Let us say that your dominant characteristic, your ‘default program’, is fear. You are frequently fearful that strange and terrible things could arise from ordinary events. You are continually on the alert for possible difficulties, now and into the future.
Your way of dealing with this fact is to try to ‘manage’ the fear, which means to reduce it in some way, perhaps by rationalizing it, noting its unreasonableness, breathing it away or to avoiding it through distractions. Fear is the enemy.
But perhaps fear is your most useful asset. Fear makes you alert to what is happening around you, it summons energy and encourages active inquiry into what you are experiencing. Could fear be your steering wheel, helping you to navigate your terrain? But for this to be true, you must have enough separation from fear to give you the space to work with it. You cannot do this if you are the fear; you can do it if fear is your companion. Impartial observation of self could lead you in this direction.
Every impulse, every perception, every sensation and every thought presents input, possible leverage in the ongoing battle to know and stay inside my experience, living it, using it.
In a thousand times a thousand ways, each of us is looking for ways to ‘improve’ ourselves. I think I know what I need to be a better or more successful person. Seemingly the last thing I want is to deal with myself as I am. But I am the only path out of myself and into a wider universe. I can’t begin with some imaginary self-construction. Better to make my ‘flaws’ my companions.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.— Jellaludin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks
Tags: fear, flaws, impartial observation, observation, Rumi
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May 13, 2019
What happens when work on self makes it possible for me to work in a selfless way? What does this mean?
It is easier to say what ordinary efforts are like. Ordinarily, I am identified with my work. My efforts are motivated by my wish for attention and praise, a feeling of worth, to belong, to achieve a personal aim, to make money that I ‘need’ for the things I want. This is all perfectly normal and mostly unconscious, but easily observed nonetheless.
To be identified with one’s work is to harness the enormous power derived from making work an extension of me. In effect, I defend my work with my life. I may feign a cynical attitude or pretend to be detached but without the psychological props provided by my work, I virtually cease to exist. If I can live outside my work it is because I have found an even stronger identification. Ordinary work is animated by self and is an expression of self.
So, to return to my question, what happens when it becomes possible to work in a selfless way? Could work efforts be much more difficult if they are not powered by ego and the perpetually humming motor of identification? Where will the motive come from? I suspect there would be less resistance if ordinary self is not involved, but the power plug I have depended upon all my life has been pulled.
And how would I feel about my work? Ordinary work comes pre-defended by my ego. My view of my work is centered in me, I know what it means and what it is worth and I have my reasons to explain why others may not accept it. Without this protection, my work is incredibly fragile. I do not see it centered in my own context but in a much wider sphere where there are many eyes and judgments, all valid in their own way. The certainty with which I make a gesture is immediately prismed when it enters the world, fractioned by the limitations it must inhabit.
This is my surmise. Selfless work, what I might call real work, is extraordinarily difficult and exhausting, not the effortless unfolding of some spiritual fiction.
Tags: identification, motive, observation, real work, selfless work, work, working
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April 9, 2019
Collage by Sae Kimura
You continue to emphasize that everything in this work comes back to observation of self. I think I am beginning to know my habitual reactions but I do not see much change in myself.
This is a subtle process. You may not notice the changes that arise over time. It’s a form of homeopathy, like curing like. The tendency to anger is observed as anger…its sensations and related gestures. The cure is the thing itself. Anger releases anger. Adopting a posture of peacefulness is most often a form of repression which does not release anger.
By release you mean express?
No. I mean a voluntary release of the impulse, which means that it is transformed into energy which can be expressed in other ways or not expressed at all. I have the power to choose, in the moment.
So you are not erasing the tendency to react with anger?
No. I am putting the anger reaction on wheels. I have baggage but it’s mobile.
Perhaps you are missing a critical intermediate step. Observation, knowing the sensation and shape of your reaction as it takes place in real time, is the first step. The next step is to be impartial…that is, not reacting to your reaction. No judgment, no justification, just observation, recognition, perhaps amusement. Then you can easily move the reaction out of the way and respond to the situation at hand freely and creatively.
The secondary reactions such as justification and judgment must also be observed impartially.
When I discover and begin to track my habitual reactions, it’s natural that I should want to eliminate them. This is wrong motive. Perhaps it will come about, perhaps ongoing impartial observation will eventually erase the sensation-based electrical anomaly that sustains my reaction, but adopting this orientation risks becoming goal-seeking, which is not impartial observation. Our work is not a path to self-perfection, it is a path to freedom from self.
The freedom is in the moment, to be able to set aside the reaction because impartiality has put it on wheels.
Tags: change, freedom, habitual reactions, impartial observation, impartiality, observation, on wheels, release
